To new beginnings.


Hi everyone,

It's been a while. It's been a long while, actually. 

If you're still reading this after those months of silence, know that I am incredibly grateful. I did not expect you to, but it makes me really happy anyway. These last couple of months have not been easy. I've been under a lot of pressure and if there's one thing I can say about myself, it's that I do not handle stress well. Not real stress anyway. It slowly eats away at me. I hide it and I allow it to shut me down, to lock me in place and to make me ditch responsibilities. I'm fully aware of the problems this causes. I still can't seem to help myself.

Stress is something subjective. Perhaps other people in my position would have been perfectly fine. I, however, decided to drown my own thoughts, hoping they'd go away without me having to acknowledge them. I'm acknowledging them now because things only got worse.

Everything started back in September when my grandmother died. It was not unexpected and I was honestly relieved that she no longer had to suffer, but the inevitability of it all still haunts my mind.  Up until then I'd had the luxury of not having lost many people that were close to me. I'm not hardened yet, although none of this would every be truly bearable.

On top of that there were/are work-related issues. I had a hard time adjusting to my new position. I still haven't completely reconciled myself with it. It's a harsh thing having to switch the job you love (and have been doing for three years) for something not nearly as fulfilling just because you're still young and can't possibly compete in the seniority game. I do not hate what I'm doing now, but I do not love it either. Some days are better than others, but the mornings where I have to force myself out of bed outnumber the others.

And then there is the house-issue. For those of you who don't know: I'm building a house (okay fine a real estate firm is) on my own. Me. Twenty-five-year-old-unexperienced-blue-me is building a house. It's absolutely wonderful. I'm hopefully moving out of my parents' house in a couple of weeks time and it the most thrilling thing in the world. But however great it was to see my near-future place built brick by brick, it has been one of the hardest endeavors yet. When I close my eyes at night all I see are forms I barely understand but need to file and impossible bills. In between the excitement there is also a considerate amount of worry and fear that I've ignored for far too long. I remind myself daily that it will all be worth it in the end. But it's time I finally stop pretending that this hasn't also been incredibly hard on me.

For a while I couldn't bring myself to read anymore. Which added to more stress because I was failing my reading challenge. It seems so insignificant but I haven't read less than fifty books a year for over a decade and it actually made me feel bad. With everything already going on in my head, taking a temporarily break from blogging was necessary. Instead I took some longterm, highly appreciated me-time. Which I almost ruined by doing NaNoWriMo despite my better judgement but luckily that worked out in the end. I really committed myself to bullet journalling for one, and it has proven to be a wonderful instrument for self-care and better organisation. Things are improving. The weight on my shoulders is lifting. Brick by brick.

I'm back now. Or at least I'm actively trying to be. I'm excited and ready for a new beginning. New house, new books, new me. I can do this. So happy New Year everyone! I wish you all the most wonderful year. May it be full of magical new memories and infinite laughter. I'll be seeing you around.

Love,

Maaike

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3 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry you've been struggling so much but I'm glad you say things are improving. :) ♥

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  2. Just read this cause I was kind of stalking your blog, and all I can say is... when I see you again I'm gonna give you the biggest hug ever. You got this, babe. Love ya ♥

    ReplyDelete

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